In a sudden and bizarre development, staunch Trump supporters across the country have been abandoning their former idol in record numbers upon finding out that he admitted that it was not his voice in the infamous “Pussy-Grabbing” Hollywood Access tape that was released shortly before the 2016 election, in which he proudly admitted to grabbing women’s crotches.
Dejected and depressed former Trump supporters are recounting harrowing stories of being played for fools and made to look like chumps by their former idol and hero after having supported him so enthusiastically, donating money, volunteering for his campaign and driving hundreds of miles to his rallies. Many are saying that they’re done with politics, and are completely disillusioned now.
“I loved the guy. I absolutely loved the guy. He was my hero, the guy I wanted to be like and taught my boys to be like. That’s how real men talk and act. Now, after this comes out, I’m so angry, I want to punch someone, preferably a Muslim or Mexican. I thought he was one of us! He’s just a poser. It’s awful. I don’t know what to do. Hey, are you Muslim?”, said former Trump diehard Orville Sumbish, florist from Duluth, MN, after being asked about his reaction to this shocking news.
Retired Altoona, PA tattoo artist Arlene McPatsy had this to say about the shocking revelation: “When that tape came out, I wanted to vote for him a hundred times if I could, because that’s how real men talk, that’s what real men do, and that’s what real women like and want, none of that fancy-boy emo crap. But now that I find out that he lied about all that, I’m crushed, I’m absolutely devastated. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust a politician again. What a jerk.”
Harsh condemnations such as these mixed with shock and dismay were heard from legions of former Trump diehards, the so-called “Trump Deplorables”, in every part of the country. Anguished ex-Trumpies were seen burning their formerly cherished signature red MAGA hats or throwing them into wood chippers and landfills. There were even scattered reports of self-immolation, although that has yet to be independently verified. Marches and rallies have been planned.
The White House communications office did not respond to multiple attempts to get an official response to these unusual developments. However, longtime Trump spokesperson John Barron did send out a cryptic tweet saying “The dream lives on, he’s still the gird of our loins.”. Also, an anonymous source who did not want their name to be revealed who agreed only to be described as “high up in the Trump food chain” did say that Trump felt really awful about this, and “would make it up to them somehow, believe me, believe me”.
Update: Rec list, wow, thanks all! Been a while since I made it there. I’m just reporting the fake facts, as imagined by my jaded and devious mind. Sadly, I suspect that there’s more than a bit of truth here, although I sincerely hope to never come across someone like this. I may have to commit a felony if I did.